Groucho's One-liners
Iíve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasnít it.
I never forget a face, but in your case Iíll be glad to make an exception.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Those are my principles, and if you donít like themÖ well, I have others.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas Iíll never know.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
I have nothing but respect for you.Öand not much of that.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but donít let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Outside of a dog, a book is a manís best friend. Inside of a dog itís too dark to read.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Iíve got the brain of a 4-year-old. Iíll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
A child of 5 would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of 5.
My mother loved children. She would have given anything if I had been one.
I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Politics doesnít make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
A manís only as old as the woman he feels.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Wives are people who feel they donít dance enough.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, youíve got it made.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Why should I care about posterity? Whatís posterity ever done for me?
Either heís dead or my watch has stopped.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Whatever it is, Iím against it.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Humor is reason gone mad.
Thereís one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, ĎYes,í you know he is a crook.