Puns 2

For the next month I'll be wearing pink to raise awareness for people who don't bother to separate laundry.

At the age of 78, Arnold Schwarzenegger is amazing in the new Terminator film. The only difference is his catchphrase, which has been changed to, "Arrhh me back!"

It's been two months since I sent my hearing aid for repair. I've heard nothing since.

I was never any good at spelling when I was at school…brilliant at jography though.

I bought a first aid kit today….Thought I'd treat myself.

The world speed walking champion has won it for the past 4 years running. Surely, that's cheating.

My New Years resolution is to stop using spray on deodorants….Roll on 2026.

"Hello is that the cricket club?" – "Yes." – "Could I speak to Mike please?"
– "I'm sorry, he's in at the moment. I'll get him to call you back when he's out."

Wife: "You hate my relatives!"
Husband: "No I don't! In fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine."

I wish I had a pound for every time I've walked around a supermarket without a trolley.

We found a distant cousin in our family tree. The fire brigade got him down.

I remember my teacher saying I had nothing but twigs for brains. Just sticks in my mind.

With all this stormy weather we've had, I'm worried about the caravan in our garden….We didn't have one yesterday.

My friend's four-year-old child has been learning Spanish all year but still can't say the word 'please'. Which I think is poor for four.

I said to the waitress, "What's the duck like?" She said, "Like a chicken, but it can swim."

Did you realise that the brain doesn't process a second 'the' when it's written twice in succession.

Next door's baby was crying really loud at 4 o'clock this morning. I couldn't hear myself drill.

My wife complained that I don't give her enough privacy. At least, that's what it said in her diary.

My oven's broken down more times than I've had hot dinners.